life is good

so. it’s possible F took me to lunch. and then coffee. and made plans for dinner. and getting a drink.

though it’s not fluent english, it’s nice to be able to say things. even sometimes complicated things - compound sentences and such.

alright well i actually have some work to do - translation work. a lot of english to better english translations, but also chinese to english. i’m awful at reading chinese. and today i decided that an apple got to take the place of my pocket dictionary in my bag.

we’ll see.. 

I’ll be getting a B this semester. What’s that? Yes I am enrolled in 6 different classes. And as I scrolled down the list of them on my GPA page as a last resort form of distraction, I foresaw a mirage of B’s sitting in the cells to their right. Maybe a B- here, a B+ there, but a B. I am a B. Even Racquetball is bringing my GPA down. Who gets an 84 on a Racquetball final? Who the hell even gives a Racquetball final? I think it was the essay portion that got me. ESSAY PORTION. 

I was doing so well grade-wise until the last 2 weeks hit. And the last 2 weeks were big ones. I think i overslept more important things in the past 2 weeks than i have in my entire time at college. and in case anyone’s wondering, ‘i overslept’ is NOT an excuse. it’s possibly the last thing a professor/leader/boss/friend/etc. wants to hear from you. especially when the things you miss are after 2pm..6pm..etc.

It just takes that much more motivation to study for these things when it feels so predetermined. And sure, there’s possibility. I could not-sleep for the next 5 days and get an A in econ for example. But i know myself. and i’m a B.    

i’m late. i started today off by waking up 3 minutes before class and it’s just been late ever since. i have about 30 things scheduled for the next few hours and i can’t even focus on blogging with all the distractions…

i’m such a sketchy person right now. i don’t understand-idk what’s going on right now…

i do know i’m probably an awful person and am starting to wonder
if E and D are right that i’m only gonna end up w/ alcoholic assholes, eventually
picking the most abusive to be my husband.

it’s nauseating though. but E made it w/ SketchyR for 3 months. inspiration?…
i’m such a shithead.
sorry there’s a lot of guilt going on here right now.

my friend’s a psych major and she was telling me that there was a study where they
found that it takes half the time of the relationship to fully get over the relationship.
on average.

say you’re married for 8 years and then break up- that’s another 4 years of your life minimum that you’re
down for the count. that advice did not help me out in my mission..

i’m never getting divorced. which might be an issue since i plan on getting married about
11 times. i love weddings… -when i tell mr p these plans he says that i had better marry rich. every time. cause he’s not paying for any of the 11. this might be a problem since i’m apparently doomed to be with losers.

why am i thinking about this. i should be thinking about corporate human rights behavior.

i make bad decisions. i don’t make decisions.

-just made the decision to not-post a lot of this one though…..just in case anyone stumbles over it. paranoia?

it’s 4/20. at home, this means that many many ppl will celebrate with intense amounts of marijuana. i’ll get a couple calls maybe, someone will try to eat their own hand or will walk into something solid and by 4/21 it will all be reminiscing and munchies. here, 4/20 means that it is springtime. there’s a gospel concert tonight.

there are people talking, -yes about classmates and free trade and not about drunken debauchery,-but still about things that i not only don’t care about, but also CAN’T HEAR RIGHT NOW. shutup. now. -you go to a library for silence. i live in loudness. in car horns and football stadiums; track fields and frat practices..- and i accept that as a sacrifice for living in such a convenient and central location. and then i come to the library to get some ferking work done, and it’s the same shit. at least lower your voice or be less of a tool or..something.

right now the strategy is passive-aggressiveness. glares and corner-eyed looks and repeated clearings of the throat. but these are being ignored or too soon forgotten and i think it’s time for action. yes i am the library nazi. and i don’t care if you could crush me w/ your pinky are the linebacker for our football team - you need to shut the fuck up. and i will let you know this.  in the sweetest most diplomatic way possible. and then i’ll go back to writing about corporate human rights behavior in china.

or i’ll blog about how much i hate ppl who talk in libraries. 

how does this not bother anyone else??  

i live in the loudest busiest little room in the world. forever. i just want less loud music and screaming losers outside. and less loud people and screaming losers inside. of this room.

or maybe i need to get out of this room..

i just feel so vulnerable - people know where i live. and they use that to their advantage. 43 f*cking times a day.

leave leave leave leave leave me alone. please.

i can’t make sense right now. and i put no pressure upon myself to do so. like i put no pressure on myself to start the insane project due tom’r at 8am. i plan to get up at 6:30am and put together a masterpiece in 30 minutes or less. too tired to do anything. even work i genuinely enjoy and want to do.

can’t stay awake and as soon as i got back from tests and class and more tests i passed out on my bed. 9pm. now i’m back up and can’t keep my eyes open. i can’t sleep either. and i need to soo badly. mildly painful. and so fucked up. that’s right. i cursed. i’m pissed. i spent 70 freaking dollars on some herbal sleeping remedy today b/c i refuse to rely on ambien or lunesta or some stupid pill to sleep every night, (and instead convince myself nightly that i feel a cold coming on and need 3 shots of nyquil or something equally as healthy..).

anyway so my point is that even my crappy crappy health insurance that covers nothing and is hated by doctors everywhere would’ve helped me out with some prescription. but i turned it down once again and went for some new herbal thing. for 70 freaking dollars. that’s 20% of my monthly budget. and for the sake of a closer-to-normal sleep cycle.

and where am i 3 hours after taking the medication?: i’m blogging. that’s right blogging. and i mean that in a bad way. cause i have about 8,000 things to do and my mind is mush and exhausted mush.

what is it that keeps my reckless mind awake and going…..for 15 years.. 

sleepless sleepless stephanie. that’s right. i revealed my name. personal information out on the internet for the sake of alliteration.   

proof number 83.5 that my priorities have gone retarded.

so in conclusion: we have incoherence, whiney rambling, cursing and political incorrectness, personal information, and i think a new edition to this cheerful little blog: sleeplessness.

“life is short. stay awake for it” the coffee mug says. fuck you coffee mug. even caffeine-induced consciousness is useless. it’s just the difference between whether or not you blink for a few hours. the mind is gone though. without sleep the mind is gone. going without intense amounts of sleep means the trails and the hallucinations..

is not bringing up things that make you look crazy to doctors ignoring your health? everyone hallucinates. no one believes my insomnia tales anyway. they say it’s temporary. to cut back on caffeine after 5pm and to work-out in the mornings. they hand me a pamphlet full of information i’ve had memorized since age 10 and send me on my way. occasionally telling me that it must be the pregnancy making me feel this way. if the tests come back negative then it’s obviously the depression.

and this is why i never go to student health. you could be a virgin boy who has tested positive for the flu and they’ll tell you that you’re pregnant.

when people do believe that i never sleep i refuse prescriptions and diagnosis anyway. everything has a title and a pill. you go into the doctor’s office, you talk for 2 minutes, you get a title for your illness, some medications to put into your body, cycle rinse repeat.

70% of medications don’t work anyway. and i’m a firm believer in the placebo effect. but where is the placebo effect when i need it? i believeeee.

the tamiflu - that was crucial. midol’s great and certain other meds as well. but a very select few and there are always consequences for messing with your body.

when i went in to SHS for the flu they gave me tamiflu, something else, and then a bag full of things to treat my symptoms. fever reducers and decongestants and cold medecines and nighttime medecines and cough-relievers, nasal sprays, and probably some crack. 

i asked if maybe all these medications might make me woozy and mess with my body during midterms. the doctor then explained the miracle of it all: the one was a stimulant, so it would even out the drowsiness, which would be multiplied by the other med, but then neutralized by the caffeine in pill#45, etc. etc. i’m pretty sure in the end i would’ve felt just peachy. loopy. especially with the crack.

but no, i did not take any of these medications. they’re in their brown bag next to 2 other brown bags in a drawer. when i open this drawer these brown bags yell at me for going to SHS again. when other ppl open this drawer and investigate they come to the conclusion that i’m a little druggie. but if you ever have any symptoms whatsoever, and are diagnosed surely with pregnancy and sent on your way: don’t waste any time downstairs at the pharmacy - just come on over i’ve got every OTC medication you could need and maybe some antibiotics.

and then there’s always the crack.    

mkay. i’m a nice person. but GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

if you call and text and email and message and im me 4 times every hour and get little response with no encouragement whatsoever, don’t show up at my classes. and if things just get worse and worse - aka if i get bitchier and bitchier, DON’T COME TO MY ROOM AT 10PM. 

don’t memorize my schedule. don’t be too nervous to be normal around me. stop acting weird and just go back to the way you were when you knew i had a boyfriend. friends. you were soo cool. what happened? now i wanna scream and kick you when i see you. hear from you. know that you exist.

i’m a nice person.    

“oh i think your screen name must’ve blocked mine, so i created another one so i could see you online. you can add that one to your buddy list”

TAKE A FREAKING HINT. 

“people who live here are so nice. they just let me in and told me which floor you live on and then pointed me toward your room”

if bin laden came knocking we’d open the door and help him with his bags in this building.

ohh the things that could slip out of this mouth. if i weren’t a nice person. but i’m a nice person.  

i want a dull moment. i came on the compute to blog a bit, catch in some dullness, and the distractions start up again. ppl see a light on and come in, ppl see the idleness leave from my screenname and they start im-ing. i hate im-ing. i want some dull.

i can’t complain. i had an amazing…end of the day. i have AMAZING tickets to the next few UNC basketball games. tonight was the first one, vs Georgia Tech, and we won. we sucked and were down by 20 points, and then we won.

my day, see also: every other day this week, - is non-stop. 7am to 10pm and no naps inbetween. it’s not that it’s bad non-stop, - sometimes it’s amazing non-stop. there’s never a dull moment. there’s ust exhaustion.

today we got in bagpipes and some basketball, clogging and some contra, turkish coffee, a chinese test, and almost 2 hours of completely conscious econ. that last one’s a stretch. my head did the nod and jerk thing a couple times, but i put in some REAL effort. last time i just gave in with 20 minutes to go and put my head down on the desk. once the head goes down it’s over and it doesn’t resurface until guy next to me hits me and tells me that it’s over.

i sit in the front row too. i can see better there, but mostly it’s so that i’ll feel obligated out of respect (not dignity - i’ll snore and drool in front of 30 other people without a second thought..), but out of respect for the professor who’s planned a lesson and who is presenting it 3 feet away from my snoring head. i love him too. but sometimes it just happens. narcoleptically. that’s right. narcoleptically.  

anyway, i had some classes, some culture, dancing and basketball, etc. - it’s not been a wasted day. just too full…most of them are. - my humble opinion. and i even skipped bellydancing tonight. i realize it’s possible that i have a tendency to plan too much for myself…and maybe the priorities at times should shift away from bellydancing and more towards studies and general health…but anyway. we’ll work on that one. maybe.

actually this reminds me: i have to skip something/ reschedule for tomorrow too, cause i have no memory and i promise to be at 3 things at 7pm. we’ll see how that one works out. for now i gotta get off this computer so that the distractions stop and think i’m asleep.

and now i’m just rambling. and now it’s 1am. and time to go.

bonne nuit.

He used to say soulshine,

It’s better than sunshine,

It’s better than moonshine,

Damn sure better than rain.

Internships? Studying Abroad? Getting a job? Community Service? School? - Spring Break? Summer? Fall Semester? Tomorrow?’

Tomorrow. I see my first real ballet tomorrow. Swan Lake. So excited. But also stressed, cause things like that (and superbowl chaos) suck your time and you’re left with piles of work and a new Grey’s Anatomy to choose between. Oh Sundays..  

The hibernation has been post-poned. I’m conducting instead my own form of hibernation. it’s…working…

I love languages. I wish I could just change my major to languages. and writing. and math. and some polisci and asian studies…  I’m having a hard enough time with Chinese this year though. it’s kicking my ass. Anyway.  

i love chess. and i just found people to play with. and by ‘play with’, i mean ‘kick my ass’. it’s great. i love games. and drawing. in the end it looks like someone gave a 3-year-old a crayon. but i feel expressed.

Haven’t talked to my friends in a while. months. E. and I have a phone-date set for tomorrow afternoon and we have hours of catching up to do. Days. All my NYers seem to be mildly falling apart.. i give it a month or two before things really start being better for them. but when they ask i say it’ll be a week tops. pobrecito.

Alright I’m off to go do some work (yes, on a Saturday night..). So much that I could say though. interesting things i promise - my professor wears an eye-patch and his sole comment on one girl’s 20-page paper was “Fuck you”, - I walked out of my class and there were llamas in the parking lot. I followed them until the older couple w/ them let me touch them and told me why there were llamas in the parking lot. it was for a ‘musical performance’. i asked if the llamas would be singing and no one found it even a little bit funny or even answered me. that was the end of my encounter with the llamas. but really - there are interesting things.- today i went to a new year’s celebration - i salsa dance and grocery shop - i’m working on buying my first nice business suit..    

All of these are good stories. and if they aren’t, I could make them into good stories.   

But sometimes it’s necessary to ramble and not worry about interesting. see also: coherent.  Recklessly dumping things out of your mind. I’m done now. Yesterday an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie made me cry. Done for real. Time for work. Wan an.