life is good

so i just wrote this huge long post and it got deleted b/c the wireless went out. which soon becomes the story of my internet life. i can’t really write right now b/c i’ve got to go redo my application. i left my first one in a bar last night. before i had had anything to drink, so i can’t even blame it on that. also ev’s dragging me out of the apt to go eat. so usually drunk dials aren’t a bad experience for me. i’m a really happy drunk, so it usually just involves me calling up someone, sometimes really randomly, and telling them why they’re amazing. except it is a a problem if i’m calling lebanon. that’s an expensive drunk dial. worth it for entertainment purposes. but that can’t happen. ever again. alright she’s sitting behind me sighing. i’m gonna go, but i’ll find a computer later and write a whole lot more. about last night. which was hilarious. beirut still sounds a little bit more exciting.

last night leaves me more convinced that i am in fact a college student and not an 85-year-old man. the skin underneath the toe ring i’ve been wearing since i was 12 leaves me convinced that i am indeed white and not my own breed of brown. i will hide the evidence of both and maintain my identity as an old man trapped inside the body of a little brown girl.  

it wasn’t that i didn’t know my limits, i just decided to overdo it anyway. that, and i didn’t get a chance to eat cause there’s nothing in the fridge except butter. and by butter, i mean smart balance light.  

i wasn’t hungover today. woke up early, beautiful weather, went for a long walk to the courtyard and did schoolwork outside for a couple hours. came back and did more work on computer. now watching game and thinking i should shower and clean my room..

but still. just because i don’t physically feel the consequences doesn’t mean i should drink that much in one sitting..or in one week, ever again. my dignity feels the consequences. i have a dignity-hangover. and i’m not about to give myself props for being sober enough to drink water and set my alarm, because i have no idea where my shoes are. or my brain cells.   

yesterday i went to a carnival with a gang. next week it gets sketchier. nice young fellows. 

Roy’s on final four talking. it’s 82 degrees out. and it’s G’s 21st bday. so yes, tonight i will go out again. but maybe i’ll stick to water and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

 

two years ago i would not have watched the draft. i wouldn’t have known when it was on or what it meant and i especially wouldn’t have watched people talk about the draft before watching the actual draft, guessing who would be 2nd or 3rd - and gotten anything out of it.

i don’t even love the sport - though i couldn’t say that out loud here. it’s the winning. i love the winning and the stories and the cheering and the bragging rights. sports are about money and pride. most people don’t even pretend they’re not anymore.

unless it’s a really good game. i watched the pistons spurs game and all of a sudden held such strong feelings for tim duncan. i went from knowing absolutely nothing to screaming at the tv in the sports bar. i ditched my friends and most of my dignity and stood screaming…at a tv. 

 

the ink on the side of the yogurt bottle gives it 7 more hours of edibility. i disagree.   

 

the bad news is that there’s no food here now. that yogurt bottle was my last hope. i don’t want to go out, i don’t want to pay for delivery, i don’t really even want to eat i just know it’s necessary for survival.

the good news is that i have bigger fish to fry. good news is that there’s more going on in my life than rotten yogurt. i just won’t ever write any of that down.

 

 

it’s a cb kind of day..

I was wrong and graceless and
sick. all the things I had learned had been wasted.
there was no living creature as foul as I
and all my poems were
false.

 

People call they say beware doll you’re bound to fall you thought they were all, kiddin you…

 

what did i juuust do. 

regret encourages the impulsive behavior. mistakes, problems, - the threat of consequence in any form generally leads to impulsivity (it’s a word), or leaving the country. 

bought some plane tickets this morning. leaving the state for a few will be good i think. and for only 140$ it’s quite the bargain. leaving the country would be ideal, but in this state of broke and busy, i’d settle for jumping off the east coast into the atlantic. or ny. good people in ny this time of year. and holy man i miss the city. 

ahhhhhhhhh

but for now it’s time to focus on my studies. especially this week. this week will be stress. and then i’ll run away. then back and more studies. more stress. then more leaving the state. shower rinse repeat. and life is good. 

even right now.

 Íí°².

everyone’s home this weekend. but i have 27$ in my
bank account, and until i deposit my check, that’s my life right there. so sad
how broke i am right now. but no regrets. otherwise, i’d be on a plane to NY. i’m glad to not
be flying anywhere though, b/c the past week has been flying nightmares
and too much time spent in chicago. random.
this summer looks like summer school for me.
fuuuuuun. but it’s all good. gotta graduate. stat.
my car’s been gone for 2 weeks or so. it’s time to find my freaking car.

you really can get to know ppl really well after 1 week. especially if
you hang out with them every second of every day.
i have this method of just sort of seeing what happens
as a way to deal with pretty much anything. it’s not a good solution. no good. but so much fun and very entertaining.

i’ve got some explaining to do..i’m a big fan of if i don’t remember it, it never happened.
see also: if no one knows about it, it never happened. 

i make some weird decisions.
i have no idea what to do with myself. i wake up at 6 am every morning.

i’m going for celibacy. trying to force myself to go for a relationship, even though i’m not sure that i want one. and also, my number is 3. which is a good number. i like it. and women in their 20s and 30s all say their number’s 3 anyway, so if i can just spend this next decade or two in a nunnery, i’ll be set.

just need free of complications.

so i used to think blogs were only for 12 year old girls. i still do. but i look enough like a 12 year old girl to get away with it.

i just did something really stupid, it feels like home now. it’s what i do.

honestly, and slightly tragically, not much else is on my mind right now, except that i have a shitload of homework to do. so i created a blog. i’ve gotten really good at distracting myself lately. procrastination definitely takes some skill.