life is good

so ?f you see a quest?on mark ?n th?s post just put ?n an i. or some
random turk?sh symbol that ?snt show?ng up on your computer. be l?ke
gestault and f?ll ?n the tr?angle. bc ? cant f?gure out th?s computer.

anyway. so im ?n ?stanbul now (or was when i wrote this).

theres no apostrophe. etc. but there are these: ??????. etc.

? just spent 47 hours travel?ng. just travel?ng. ? have so many stor?es
about how ? enterta?ned myself dur?ng those hours. but another t?me 
- because ?m cracked out as hell. 7 hour t?me d?fference makes
my sleep?ng habits go from lazy to just nocturnal.

so ? just bet a large turk?sh man 25 l?ra on the spa?n france game. ?
have yet to really grasp on the ?dea of how much 25 turk?sh l?ra ?s -
but ? hope spa?n w?ns. (yea i ended up losing that bet. but winning free dinner..)

alr?ght ? could ramble on but ?m gonna go for now. and ?m so exhausted
out r?ght now.

m?ldly ?nsane. and ?n love w?th th?s large turk?sh man. and this gorgeous turkish country. gonna go
cracked-outly soc?al?ze. and note to self: learn how to say -no- and -sp?cy- ?n every language.

1: idk how to format this blog. paragraphs and spaces aren’t working for me. but i don’t care right now. 2: since when am i such a little girl. i got upset over some completely unimportant comment and freaked out at guy about it. a week after the fact. the lbg i know and love would spill her beer on a girl acting the way i did. i’ve gone soft.

hey again. so i just wrote about a ten-page post. literally the longest thing i’ve written in a really freakin long time. and then the wireless went out and it all got deleted when i hit send. so i’m mildly pissed and not re-writing it. but maybe tomorrow i will. . alright i’m gonna go spend some quality time with my friend. if i can convince her that i’m tb-free. , I’m at A’s now. With some reisling. Doing some laying. See also: completely content. . and Idk what’s going on in nyc right now, but there were police everywhere today and the subway was shut down for half of manhattan b/c of an ‘investigation’ on 72nd. Then I walked E to 41st and there were police everywhere. A’s sister said she saw the same thing. We have no idea what’s going on here, but bloomberg’s giving out sketchy speeches about how nothing’s going on and to not worry. I’m gonna take his advice. Anyway. . I finally watched city of God the other night and it was absolutely amazing. . so i talked to mr p. a few days ago and randomly slipped in all of the things i was thinking about for summer. it went something like this: ‘i got accepted as a bartender, i could work as a temp, i could go to LA with E, or, u know, beirut, idk’. the connection was really bad, but he didn’t seem to care either way. he was like, ‘why don’t u just do what you want’. but i don’t think he realizes that any of it involves his frequent flier miles or that i have absolutely no money. . Since then I looked around though, just to check, and the cheapest tickets to beirut are over $1600. So that’s out. very very far out. idk what I was thinking. . language barrier anxiety makes me worry for china, but i think there’s gonna be a lot more english-speaking than i need where i’ll be. . so calling my cell from lebanon works. i called tmobile and they said it shows up as an in-country call. sweet. killer. . friday was my free day. it is technically friday. and i have to deal with visa chaos and probably shower and keep a phone-date and then it’s dinner w. some friends and then out for another friend’s 22nd. but there will be no drunken steph. not only b/c i feel like i need hydration and don’t feel like drinking, but also b/c it’s really expensive and me and my friends made a deal that we wouldn’t pay for more than 1 drink. so it really depends on how man sleazy guys are out tomorrow night. honestly though i want to take friday off. saturday’s a big freaking day. and a long one. interviews and trainings and looking business casual. etc. . and i do miss him too. and idk why i didn’t see this coming, but i do. and it sucks. and idk what’s gonna happen over the next months, but being thousands of miles away is not working for me. alright i’m just gonna finish writing about whatever it was i was writing about later - too lazy to re-type it all. (ali’s cruise, pics, whatnot..-i can’t tell anymore what i’ve already written and what’s gotten deleted..) . i hate wireless.

reading this, it’s a commitment. a novel, really. and not necessary.

rambles and rambles. but it had to happen.

i just wrote a post so long that my session timed out and it got deleted.  
stressful times here right now. i freaked out last night and starting panicking. there
was too much stimuli - too much going on in the LIBRARY for me to handle, so i leave the library and there’s
a marching band outside. yes. a marching band. and a whole performance. i called mr p b/c that’s what i do when i panic and
ran through the symbols. continued to panic well into the evening. not really, i
calmed down and starting breathing and whatnot - just really stressful til 5pm today.
last day of classes today. finals start monday. 4 of them. -there was a HT fundraiser
at a bar last night that i had to run at 10pm after my library session. so much panicking
- and i only rarely mean that literally (ie can’t breathe type of panicking).
but in 6 days all is well - or at least over.

well. not entirely all. nameless (i can’t believe nb used the bf word) is going alright.
he likes me way way too much for his own good. i had his phone all day today and got
bored in class so i looked through his pics (camera phone), and there were pics of me.
that i didn’t know about. and just to clarify - they weren’t like creepy-behind-the-bushes-pics.
they were pics of me when i was talking to him/hanging out, but still. he has soo many
pics of me and it kind of creeps me out. 
i’m also the screen of his phone. a picture of my face. AHHH. i’ve talked to him about
this. -not the phone thing b/c he doesn’t know i saw them and i don’t want to tell him i
was snooping through his phone, but the other pics he has i tell him i hate. we’re
negotiating. -ie: he’s deleting or refusing but soon to be deleting.

ANYWAY. so this is a lot more information than would typically be divulged. because: the other option is studying. the other option is loss of sanity. i need to vent this to something. not even someone. a computer screen or a journal page works better. i’m just so out of it and full of wandering thoughts right now and i’m still in the library (ie sans journal), so it’s just all coming out in electronic form.

as for the conversation: it hasn’t happened yet. but it will. he knows how i feel and i
think i know how i feel. i just need to reinforce and make him accept it. no 
year-long commitments from me. can i even plan 5 minutes into the future? but the conversation will include all this other stuff, b/c
he’s asked me to be honest and tell him if i ever feel smothered - b/c i think it’s
obvious that i sometimes feel smothered.

-he cancels things that are important to him to lay around and do nothing w/ me. or to nap w/ me. it makes me uncomfortable that he’s giving up things that i know are important to him just to lay there and look at me. -ohh
that’s another thing. today he was looking at me. just looking. like with the eyes. so i
punched him in the stomach. but not hard. just enough to change the expression on his
face.  look what my parents have raised.

ahhhh i guess this really is bothering me..on my mind a lot. i wish econ was on my mind
this much. i wish i would write a novel-sized email about micro theory. but no, it’s
about Nameless instead. there’s no final exam on nameless.

alright last little bit about that: the problem is that i like him. if i just felt
smothered and overwhelmed and unsure it’d be easier. shitty, but easier. i feel all that
and at the same time love spending time with him, feel extremely comfortable with him,
admire him as a person, and don’t want him out of my life. good influence too: he helps
me w/ school work, encourages slash forces me to actually do my work, he sends me links
about grants and scholarships that i’m eligible for and projects that i’d be interested
in. he’s introduced an impressive amount of really wholesome interesting fun into my life
this semester. which i don’t want to lose anytime soon. SO WHY IS HE RUINING IT…ahhhh.
he’s 2 different people and i only like 1.

i got a td booster and 2 different kinds of malaria pills yesterday at the clinic. why?
oh because Nameless made the appointment, turned in my forms, and reminded me to go. see
also: was there with me. there were unusual amounts of vaccinations, whooping cough,
tuburculosis, and caffeine running through my bloodstream yesterday - think it might’ve
added to the panic.. but nb’ll be happy to know i’m very well vaccinated and start my
malaria pills next week.

i’m job hunting. it sucks. so far all the
jobs i’m interested in want me to pay them..

B’s been in touch recently. cousin B. He was in Bahrain for years w/ DHL and then apparently he’s been in afghanistan for the past
year. he says it’s amazingly beautiful but also a “shithole with landmines everywhere”.
makes me nervous. He sent a pic from Kabul. i would be happy with a job like that. it’s no UN but it’s travel. and intellectual stimulation. which are the only real requirements.

alright well i’m an hour late for my nap-date with nameless. i turned down dinner
tonight. -that’s right, yours truly turned away free food for the first
time..probably ever. i eat so well with this boy. like steak lobster shrimp duck lamb 
squid more steak. the-expensive-things-on-the-menu good. b/c when i order my
appetizer-sized salad he doesn’t take that shit. he says i can order _____ (fill in title
of dinky appetizer here) if i want, but that he really wants me to try the ___ and that
it’s really good. and then he orders it. and it is. realllly good.
i used to be somewhat vegetarian…

and i pay too. not for big things, but i get the coffee afterward or i buy him a drink at
the bar. and it works. well. but tonight, the way i’m feeling, it wouldn’t be right. it
would be guilt-steak. but i need to go stop by b/c i’m intensely late and still have his
phone.

I think i should craypa. -i’m going phoenetically there, b/c i
have no idea how to spell craypas and am too lazy to look it up. (kray-pah). I’m gonna go take care of things a bit and then do some studying. many apologies for the length of my rambles. it’s been a long week.

 

i got an a. econ midterm. calchnrs micro theory. 1 question. large bearded man from brazil watching me take test from a foot away while ppl outside window screamed. 1 question. 1 hour. SIGH.

too bad i pre-celebrated last weekend. -celebrated just the fact that it was over, but still. this weekend. i work.

sighsighsigh. i’m gonna go celebrate with an econ problem set…but i’m gonna do it in bed. we’ll see how this one turns out.

and then tom’r i start studying for the final…

 

 

i want more than 3 more weeks…..what did i do. why did i let things get really good here right before having to leave for 9 months… 

Gong xi fa cai !!!
Hong bao na lai !!

Happy Chinese New Year! Who’s excited for Year of the Dog? I know I am.

Stress. But the hibernation has been planned. And there will be no interferences. I’m going to stay with Mr. P. for next weekend. And if there is any discussion of graduation dates or money issues I’m going to stay with Mr. P.’s girlfriend. Because she’s great and will spend more on wine. More than that though, because she won’t bring more stress.

The superbowl, buying wine for my wine tasting for la maison, and watching the intense-looking episode of Grey’s Anatomy are my weekend obligations. I guess catching up on work is also in there somewhere. But it’ll be good either way. Excited all ready. All I have to do, is make it through this week with sanity sleep and good grades. Not necessarily in that order, but those are the goals. Lofty, yet attainable.

Keep getting the overwhelming urge to make a to-do list. All these things around my computer - there’s a term for it in psych, something like deliberate…object placement..anyway so they’re all reminders to keep my scattered brain on task. And I’m being reminded of alllll these things I have to do and haven’t yet. So I’m gonna go get on that. - not actually productivity, but listing what would happen were I to be a productive person.

It’s 65 degrees here. It creeps me out. I’m still freezing 90% of the time and my roomate is amazing and sweats silently while I maintain a room temperature of between 90 and 95 degrees. fahrenheit, i’m not sadistic. just cold.  all the time.

Wan an.  

life is great. i complain too much. it’s like instinct. random questions like ‘how are you’ ‘how was the test’ etc, i never give peppy answers. most of the time it’s something like ‘tired’ ‘over’ ‘eh’. dazed.

exams today from 8-5. didn’t do so great and spent the last week in bed/doctor’s office being sicker than i ever have. that i remember anyway. word on the street is i had diseases like dysentery and such when i was young and i’m sure those sucked. but this last week, aside from having awful timing, was the sickest i can remember being. 

i had so much else to say….calls. so many calls and interruptions. busy busy.  

Bukowski: “Life’s as good as you let it be.”

Oh, what’s that you say? You hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYONE, and they meet at the bar.

rediscovered why i love to swim. slept til 3. made waffles. it’s been a good day. 3 weeks.

 

food replaced by multivitamins. sleep replaced by caffeine. dental hygeine replaced by trident.   

all those things that are supposedly ‘crucial’ for sustaining life are really more optional than i thought.

temporary.

i’m here. at 6am. cause i can’t sleep. cause i never sleep. and i hate it hate it hate it.

what i love about living here, one of the things, is free food. right now outside my door there is an endless supply of free and really good food. everytime i walk out my door there’s amazing free food. why am i moving into a cottage w/ E? that’s right. cottage.
i didn’t go out tonight to celebrate my friend’s graduation, and i didn’t go out tonight to go out w/ A or E before they leave. i say i have to get up early. i say i have to swim and need to rest. i really just don’t leave my room once the temperature drops below 50 degrees. that and i stopped showering. 

seriously though, i take a random mix of herbal, chinese, OTC, and anything else i can find around that promises to induce sleep, swallow at least 3 doses of each w/ some ’sleepytime tea’, and then sit around for millions of hours waiting for sleep to come.

then i get up. sure that the next night i’ll fall fast asleep really early. and i still can’t sleep. ever. i realize everyone’s pretty sick of hearing whining about this. acupuncture? it’s supposed to be good for sleeping. i’m gonna try it after winter break…

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh