life is good

Okay so i’m at NYPL, ny public library, (pronounced ‘nipple’), and it sucks. i miss having a library that isn’t really just a tourist attraction in disguise. anyway, i have 15 minutes left on this computer, which freezes, so this may be like a half-post. i get a lot of bored-workday emails from my friends who have internships right now, b/c they do no work at their jobs. so that night i called lebanon: i was at a bar with some of the cast of the entourage, which is apparently a famous tv show, which i’ve never heard of. i just recognized the main guy b/c he’s been in films. and is also extremely attractive. we were at this bar, mercer bar, which is one of the more expensive places for me in nyc, b/c these guys who run some huge law firm that i had also not heard of, decided to walk in and just buy it for the night. they brought me and my friends b/c their friends were really weird. and boring. - at least that’s my guess. and they bought the club. i didn’t know you could just buy a club for a night - but it was great. we got the dj to play whatever we wanted, these guys decided who got in - which was actually pretty sleazy, and all the drinks for everyone there were free for the rest of the night. which ended for me and E by around midnight. b/c of this whole open bar situation, we were done pretty early. also didn’t really feel like drinking that night, but couldn’t resist that whole random situation. mostly we were just sick of the ppl there, b/c free drinks and music is great and all, but when you’re surrounded by assholes it loses appeal faster. so we left and some of our friends stayed and apparently saw vince vaughn who had a whole entourage of his own after we left. i’m not into the whole chasing famous ppl and hanging out with rich losers scene, but i’m not gonna lie, i looked around and was like, damn. how did we end up in this situation. we started out at art bar just splitting a bottle of wine w/ a few friends b/c everything was too expensive. and then moved on to free champagne at mercer. it was nice. so enough about that. it really was more exciting at the time, and i’m pretty sure the champagne helped w/ that. it was a great night, but i hate going out right now. i’d rather lay, my friends are too much effort when drunk (minus E), and it just feels so unhealthy. my friends here are hazardous ppl. i love them to death, but the things they do.. anyway. sorry to ramble on but they’ve been driving me crazy a bit (again, minus E), since i got home. and i can’t complain to any of them so i’m rambling to you. blog. but life here is still quite good. i locked myself out of my apt this morning, and my roomates are both away in arizona on business trips til monday. which is cool i’m staying w/ a friend until then, it’s just funny b/c the ppl downstairs hate me and won’t give me the spare key. partly b/c i already borrowed and lost the spare key. - (in my defense E lost it, but i gave it to her knowing that she’s probably the only person worse than me to give a key to). anyway. so i have another interview on saturday, but i got the job i applied for. i applied for 4 different positions and got my last choice, but when i can’t commit for 6 months/a year, and can’t train for 6 weeks, i’ve gotta take what i can get. still i’m gonna ask again in the interview on saturday if i could do both positions. what i’m doing right now is great and i’m really excited for it - plus you get free food w/ this position, but my first choice involved sort of creative writing for the business and i want to see if there’s any way i can be involved w/ that too..even if i can just meet the ppl in that dept and learn more about the project or something. i feel like there’s gonna be 2 things repeated in every post for the next few weeks: 1 - that beirut seems amazing, and 2 - that it’s freakin cold here. and it is, in case i left that out of this one, it’s freezing. alright well i’ve got 1 minute left on this compute session, but i’ll continue my rambles tonight from A’s computer.

idk how long i’ve been a part of this ‘real’ world where people aren’t invincible and unsolvable problems exist, but if it’s like this - trivialities up and down with random unpredictable tragedy thrown in - i’m gonna have to get a whole lot stronger. stat.   -start not letting things get to me so much.. 

i’m just wondering if this real world thing that i’ve been thrown into is gonna be like this from now on.

MrP says that i just know too many people who do too many drugs. and while i agree, and while i hate drugs with an ever-growing passion, i can’t cut-off all contact with the people who don’t hate them. i would lose all my friends and a good chunk of my family..  all for the sake of self-preservation? - that’s not a solution there..

Richard Wilbur would say that death teaches the ’supreme value of attachment’. value. i’m usually so good at finding value in bad situations but when it comes to this it’s just words. nothing genuine. words. -and while all the right ones are streaming out of my mouth, ‘why’, ‘that’s so stupid’, and ‘why’ are floating around my reckless mind.

Wilbur’s thinking is that loss is the consequence of falling back in love with the world: “you can’t value anything unless you’re willing to lose it” Wilbur says.

I’m not willing. or ready. or capable. What i am is a mild mild mess.  without the mild.   -and maybe it’s just being dramatic. maybe it’s the third glass of wine. maybe it’s that i haven’t been sheltered from things lately..idk. but i’m gonna go ahead and just write vent whine. wine.

all my rambles rambles..All i want to say is Rest in Peace D. Live in Peace DF family and friends. and as for my own family and friends - I won’t even ask that much: you can live in chaos. just live.

life is good. my life. is good. right now. and there should be no guilt in that.

 

RIP DF.   

 

 

costa rica. the ppl the food the life, i love. pura vida. costa rica. w/ NB. we talked and she told me about drinking. and other stuff. i think she’s healthier now. more health for her means less worry for me. it was a lovely lovely time.

imperial. costa rican cerveza. in a word: awful. Manuel Antonio. costa rican beach town. in a word: absolutelyamazingunbelievablygorgeous. you know me i gotta experience everything. and sometimes it’s stout and watery and sometimes it’s absolutely amazing. but there’s value there.

and sometimes random unwanted guests walk into your room. AHHHHHHH.  

back to the wrap up: i got into a program/scholarship thing where they pay and I go to China for 5 months. i had like zero chance of getting in. i can’t believe i’m going to china for 5 months. 4.

i got the flu. i’m always sick. i missed 3 midterms and have to make
all of them up and do an essay on a book i haven’t read and am
intellectually unable to read: tomorrow. i’m doing awful in school.

my cousins just had babies.. so many babies. things here are good. i’m
always sick. i like dancing. i just got back from everything and have
internet access and read all the email circle’s emails from the past
week and a half and i must say i love my friends.

okay. quick recap of my life over the past 2 weeks done. interrupted really.  

life is so good. i can’t wait to see E. maybe i’ll explain
things sometime. like after this week is over.

peace out cub scout.

ps. i love the chronic. WHAT? -cles of narnia.

i never sleep.

soo many things to look forward to - just as soon as next tuesday’s over. exciting.

was going to ramble but i think i’m gonna go write - the typing might wake the roommate.

put my rambles on paper.

so excited for the next weeks to be over. so much has to happen before then..egads.

 

i hate drugs. not the life-saving, pain-reducing pharmaceutically-endorsed prescriptions that have done great things for mankind. we did that project in fifth grade: the greatest invention of mankind. i think there was a tie between penicillin and eli whitney’s cotton gin. personally, i have some problems with the cotton gin, but that’s not what this is about. 

i don’t hate the people, my problem is just with the doing of the drugs. there’s that joke about how only in America would crack be invented. that only in America would someone snort a line of cocaine and go ’that was okay, but no..that’s just not good enough..i want something that makes my heart explode as soon as i smoke it. sigh, death: the ultimate high..’.

and i’m sorry if this post is offensive. i’m offended. by people never learning. because it’s not just the uneducated and optionless that go with drugs, it’s also a whole lot of bored white kids with too much of their parents’ money. it’s the majority of the hometown and most definitely the entire high school. anyway. whatever. my point is just that it’s a proven fact that drugs won’t leave you better off. for the short-term i’m sure they’re spectacular. better than reality. but in the long-term what you have is reality. i’m done now.

“so-and-so OD’d” was always a cause for concern- but not exactly abnormal with my hs friends. this information would usually be followed up with some scandalous details, the name of the hospital the person was taken to, when they’d be back at school, and how angry their parents were. last year, there was no hospital, no scandalous details - there was the date of the funeral and some long shock-induced pauses on the phone. the ironic part of this, was that after things settled in and we all had time to realize what had just happened - not that i actually do - the same people that had gone away to school ready to start a new life - quitting smoking, no more drugs, ‘living it right’, etc. - all went right back to their cigarettes and their old habits. i understand that it’s a crutch, but i feel like there was a clear enough indication that it was time to find a different crutch.      

people always seem to go back though. maybe it’s just whenever absolutely-any-other-state has become preferable to reality that it starts again.. maybe it’s just that those people have experienced something so much better than reality and don’t want to come back. i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know how to say what i’m saying without some melodrama getting in there. i just know that drugs are stupid. that’s my profound conclusion.  the end.       

I love free food. I love the people in my hall. I love distractions.

I have 2 tests tomorrow and am sleepless and very jealous of my roomate’s 2-day hibernation.

I fell asleep this afternoon, but then had to get up and go to class again. you’d think ‘i overslept’ is -maybe not an acceptable excuse, but at least understandable. but i guess when it’s a 6pm class that one’s out. bof. so i went. and i liked it.

i have a new job assignment, with the same people. there was my first assignment with her mildly scandalous ways, and now the pharmacy school has hired my bosses to hire us to test the pharmacy students. my role, really really coincidentally, happens to be a woman with not only the same last name as role #1, but also similar BC issues. If i have to hear anything more about BC, which i absolutely do, i’m gonna go crazy.          

and this time, it’s not 16 doctors in 8 hours, it’s 15 per session, 3 sessions per night. at least it’s at night and not 6am anymore, but still. that’s a lot of BC talk. you go crazy in these things i promise. it’s also every day of the week this time - not just once a week. i’m not gonna remember which dr said what after hour #1. but i will know everything there is to know about ortho evra.

i went to a business etiquette dinner on tuesday, and failed. honestly, if it’s possible to fail etiquette - i did. i read ’etiquette for dummies’ a few weeks ago because i’ve always been insecure that i’m not following proper procedures, but after that dinner i don’t even care. i’m proud to not have etiquette after that. 

surrounded by really uptight overdressed people, talking about uptight overdressed things, i sat there and realized the beauties of etiquettelessness. par exemple: i have never been too afraid to sweeten my coffee. i don’t actually sweeten coffee, i think it tastes nasty that way, but that’s not the point here. the point is that i will never suck-it-up and drink unsweetened-coffee out of the fear that people will judge me to have poor etiquette. i’d rather be seen as having poor etiquette than being too afraid of judgement to do things like sweeten coffee. - and if i was too afraid, i certainly wouldn’t sit there and whine about how nasty my coffee tasted, and how i wish i could sweeten it - if only sugar packets weren’t against the etiquette rules..  i’ll get over this one soon i promise. i’m done.

i did get a semi-free 4-course meal out of it, and i got to talk to some interesting people, and all-in-all it couldn’t have been that bad of an experience, because i’ve signed up for at least one each month for the rest of the year. :free food. food that doesn’t have that packaged-preserved-plastic quality of all the other foods on campus… it was lovely. even worth getting all upset for a night. or perhaps i can get over that before next month..  

so my sleeping habits have always been somewhat atrocious, but lately i’ve been really scared. this year i started fainting sometimes, and now recently i see things. i’ve always hallucinated somewhat just because i’m crazy, but now i’ll look at poles or people - and i know that they’re not moving, but the images of them - i see about 20 of them on either side..kind of stretched out.. i can’t explain it well.. i tried telling my friends as they were talking to me, but they thought i was kidding. i wasn’t. and i see sparkles. i think i wrote about this before.. it happens more now. i feel like this is what people mean when they say “seeing stars”. kinda scary, kinda entertaining.

i’m gonna stop before i sound completely bonkers. too late? no. because completely bonkers, is my textbook today. to illustrate some aspect of french grammar, the authors wrote a dialogue where a patient explains his problems and depression to a doctor. it starts out being a little bit weird, and then tout d’un coup, the patient starts talking about his dreams of professors chasing him down with red editing pens filled with blood…and ogres and all things sketchy. in all honesty, if i were writing a textbook about french grammar rules and had made it to chapter 10, i’d probably be a little bit insane too. maybe throw in some dialogues and examples that i found entertaining, but still… That, is bonkers. my delusional visions - which by the way i referred to as ‘delusionary’ the other day in my journal - those are understandable.

i also wrote “weightlisted”. and then thought about how much sense it made. no joke. at first it looked so wrong, but then i just thought about it and decided that it made too much sense to be incorrect. see also: coaches not couches. i’m not stupid. i promise. perhaps some mild-retardation, but these things - these i blame on the impressive lack of sleep in my life.       

things are getting fuzzy. i’m gonna go have some fig newtons and tea. maybe see where in the global economy my t-shirt is traveling to tonight.. mmm..shui jiao…mmm…

in 17 hours it will be weekend. hooray hooray

word is out. i have a blog. gotta admit, there was some cringing as i skimmed over the past couple months and remembered what i had posted…but i think i’ll make it.

huge test tomorrow. huge. only 20 more chinese tests until i go back to NY. hooray! 2 months. i can make it. but plans for what i do when i get there are still under construction. operation international scandal has been vetoed. E and i have had a lot of crazy schemes, and we’ve gotten away with -and lived through the vast majority of them…marvelous misadventures…but there comes a point where some sort of sensibility must be implemented, because otherwise we’ll just take over the world. someday.

sensibility. or just lack of funding. maybe some combination of the two.

wo shi yi ge hao xuesheng de zhongwen…keshi…wan an. 

 

   

 

lovely