life is good

I’ll be getting a B this semester. What’s that? Yes I am enrolled in 6 different classes. And as I scrolled down the list of them on my GPA page as a last resort form of distraction, I foresaw a mirage of B’s sitting in the cells to their right. Maybe a B- here, a B+ there, but a B. I am a B. Even Racquetball is bringing my GPA down. Who gets an 84 on a Racquetball final? Who the hell even gives a Racquetball final? I think it was the essay portion that got me. ESSAY PORTION. 

I was doing so well grade-wise until the last 2 weeks hit. And the last 2 weeks were big ones. I think i overslept more important things in the past 2 weeks than i have in my entire time at college. and in case anyone’s wondering, ‘i overslept’ is NOT an excuse. it’s possibly the last thing a professor/leader/boss/friend/etc. wants to hear from you. especially when the things you miss are after 2pm..6pm..etc.

It just takes that much more motivation to study for these things when it feels so predetermined. And sure, there’s possibility. I could not-sleep for the next 5 days and get an A in econ for example. But i know myself. and i’m a B.    

reading this, it’s a commitment. a novel, really. and not necessary.

rambles and rambles. but it had to happen.

i just wrote a post so long that my session timed out and it got deleted.  
stressful times here right now. i freaked out last night and starting panicking. there
was too much stimuli - too much going on in the LIBRARY for me to handle, so i leave the library and there’s
a marching band outside. yes. a marching band. and a whole performance. i called mr p b/c that’s what i do when i panic and
ran through the symbols. continued to panic well into the evening. not really, i
calmed down and starting breathing and whatnot - just really stressful til 5pm today.
last day of classes today. finals start monday. 4 of them. -there was a HT fundraiser
at a bar last night that i had to run at 10pm after my library session. so much panicking
- and i only rarely mean that literally (ie can’t breathe type of panicking).
but in 6 days all is well - or at least over.

well. not entirely all. nameless (i can’t believe nb used the bf word) is going alright.
he likes me way way too much for his own good. i had his phone all day today and got
bored in class so i looked through his pics (camera phone), and there were pics of me.
that i didn’t know about. and just to clarify - they weren’t like creepy-behind-the-bushes-pics.
they were pics of me when i was talking to him/hanging out, but still. he has soo many
pics of me and it kind of creeps me out. 
i’m also the screen of his phone. a picture of my face. AHHH. i’ve talked to him about
this. -not the phone thing b/c he doesn’t know i saw them and i don’t want to tell him i
was snooping through his phone, but the other pics he has i tell him i hate. we’re
negotiating. -ie: he’s deleting or refusing but soon to be deleting.

ANYWAY. so this is a lot more information than would typically be divulged. because: the other option is studying. the other option is loss of sanity. i need to vent this to something. not even someone. a computer screen or a journal page works better. i’m just so out of it and full of wandering thoughts right now and i’m still in the library (ie sans journal), so it’s just all coming out in electronic form.

as for the conversation: it hasn’t happened yet. but it will. he knows how i feel and i
think i know how i feel. i just need to reinforce and make him accept it. no 
year-long commitments from me. can i even plan 5 minutes into the future? but the conversation will include all this other stuff, b/c
he’s asked me to be honest and tell him if i ever feel smothered - b/c i think it’s
obvious that i sometimes feel smothered.

-he cancels things that are important to him to lay around and do nothing w/ me. or to nap w/ me. it makes me uncomfortable that he’s giving up things that i know are important to him just to lay there and look at me. -ohh
that’s another thing. today he was looking at me. just looking. like with the eyes. so i
punched him in the stomach. but not hard. just enough to change the expression on his
face.  look what my parents have raised.

ahhhh i guess this really is bothering me..on my mind a lot. i wish econ was on my mind
this much. i wish i would write a novel-sized email about micro theory. but no, it’s
about Nameless instead. there’s no final exam on nameless.

alright last little bit about that: the problem is that i like him. if i just felt
smothered and overwhelmed and unsure it’d be easier. shitty, but easier. i feel all that
and at the same time love spending time with him, feel extremely comfortable with him,
admire him as a person, and don’t want him out of my life. good influence too: he helps
me w/ school work, encourages slash forces me to actually do my work, he sends me links
about grants and scholarships that i’m eligible for and projects that i’d be interested
in. he’s introduced an impressive amount of really wholesome interesting fun into my life
this semester. which i don’t want to lose anytime soon. SO WHY IS HE RUINING IT…ahhhh.
he’s 2 different people and i only like 1.

i got a td booster and 2 different kinds of malaria pills yesterday at the clinic. why?
oh because Nameless made the appointment, turned in my forms, and reminded me to go. see
also: was there with me. there were unusual amounts of vaccinations, whooping cough,
tuburculosis, and caffeine running through my bloodstream yesterday - think it might’ve
added to the panic.. but nb’ll be happy to know i’m very well vaccinated and start my
malaria pills next week.

i’m job hunting. it sucks. so far all the
jobs i’m interested in want me to pay them..

B’s been in touch recently. cousin B. He was in Bahrain for years w/ DHL and then apparently he’s been in afghanistan for the past
year. he says it’s amazingly beautiful but also a “shithole with landmines everywhere”.
makes me nervous. He sent a pic from Kabul. i would be happy with a job like that. it’s no UN but it’s travel. and intellectual stimulation. which are the only real requirements.

alright well i’m an hour late for my nap-date with nameless. i turned down dinner
tonight. -that’s right, yours truly turned away free food for the first
time..probably ever. i eat so well with this boy. like steak lobster shrimp duck lamb 
squid more steak. the-expensive-things-on-the-menu good. b/c when i order my
appetizer-sized salad he doesn’t take that shit. he says i can order _____ (fill in title
of dinky appetizer here) if i want, but that he really wants me to try the ___ and that
it’s really good. and then he orders it. and it is. realllly good.
i used to be somewhat vegetarian…

and i pay too. not for big things, but i get the coffee afterward or i buy him a drink at
the bar. and it works. well. but tonight, the way i’m feeling, it wouldn’t be right. it
would be guilt-steak. but i need to go stop by b/c i’m intensely late and still have his
phone.

I think i should craypa. -i’m going phoenetically there, b/c i
have no idea how to spell craypas and am too lazy to look it up. (kray-pah). I’m gonna go take care of things a bit and then do some studying. many apologies for the length of my rambles. it’s been a long week.

i’m late. i started today off by waking up 3 minutes before class and it’s just been late ever since. i have about 30 things scheduled for the next few hours and i can’t even focus on blogging with all the distractions…

i’m such a sketchy person right now. i don’t understand-idk what’s going on right now…

i do know i’m probably an awful person and am starting to wonder
if E and D are right that i’m only gonna end up w/ alcoholic assholes, eventually
picking the most abusive to be my husband.

it’s nauseating though. but E made it w/ SketchyR for 3 months. inspiration?…
i’m such a shithead.
sorry there’s a lot of guilt going on here right now.

my friend’s a psych major and she was telling me that there was a study where they
found that it takes half the time of the relationship to fully get over the relationship.
on average.

say you’re married for 8 years and then break up- that’s another 4 years of your life minimum that you’re
down for the count. that advice did not help me out in my mission..

i’m never getting divorced. which might be an issue since i plan on getting married about
11 times. i love weddings… -when i tell mr p these plans he says that i had better marry rich. every time. cause he’s not paying for any of the 11. this might be a problem since i’m apparently doomed to be with losers.

why am i thinking about this. i should be thinking about corporate human rights behavior.

i make bad decisions. i don’t make decisions.

-just made the decision to not-post a lot of this one though…..just in case anyone stumbles over it. paranoia?

it’s 4/20. at home, this means that many many ppl will celebrate with intense amounts of marijuana. i’ll get a couple calls maybe, someone will try to eat their own hand or will walk into something solid and by 4/21 it will all be reminiscing and munchies. here, 4/20 means that it is springtime. there’s a gospel concert tonight.

there are people talking, -yes about classmates and free trade and not about drunken debauchery,-but still about things that i not only don’t care about, but also CAN’T HEAR RIGHT NOW. shutup. now. -you go to a library for silence. i live in loudness. in car horns and football stadiums; track fields and frat practices..- and i accept that as a sacrifice for living in such a convenient and central location. and then i come to the library to get some ferking work done, and it’s the same shit. at least lower your voice or be less of a tool or..something.

right now the strategy is passive-aggressiveness. glares and corner-eyed looks and repeated clearings of the throat. but these are being ignored or too soon forgotten and i think it’s time for action. yes i am the library nazi. and i don’t care if you could crush me w/ your pinky are the linebacker for our football team - you need to shut the fuck up. and i will let you know this.  in the sweetest most diplomatic way possible. and then i’ll go back to writing about corporate human rights behavior in china.

or i’ll blog about how much i hate ppl who talk in libraries. 

how does this not bother anyone else??  

idk how long i’ve been a part of this ‘real’ world where people aren’t invincible and unsolvable problems exist, but if it’s like this - trivialities up and down with random unpredictable tragedy thrown in - i’m gonna have to get a whole lot stronger. stat.   -start not letting things get to me so much.. 

i’m just wondering if this real world thing that i’ve been thrown into is gonna be like this from now on.

MrP says that i just know too many people who do too many drugs. and while i agree, and while i hate drugs with an ever-growing passion, i can’t cut-off all contact with the people who don’t hate them. i would lose all my friends and a good chunk of my family..  all for the sake of self-preservation? - that’s not a solution there..

Richard Wilbur would say that death teaches the ’supreme value of attachment’. value. i’m usually so good at finding value in bad situations but when it comes to this it’s just words. nothing genuine. words. -and while all the right ones are streaming out of my mouth, ‘why’, ‘that’s so stupid’, and ‘why’ are floating around my reckless mind.

Wilbur’s thinking is that loss is the consequence of falling back in love with the world: “you can’t value anything unless you’re willing to lose it” Wilbur says.

I’m not willing. or ready. or capable. What i am is a mild mild mess.  without the mild.   -and maybe it’s just being dramatic. maybe it’s the third glass of wine. maybe it’s that i haven’t been sheltered from things lately..idk. but i’m gonna go ahead and just write vent whine. wine.

all my rambles rambles..All i want to say is Rest in Peace D. Live in Peace DF family and friends. and as for my own family and friends - I won’t even ask that much: you can live in chaos. just live.

life is good. my life. is good. right now. and there should be no guilt in that.

RIP DF.   

i don’t know what’s going on. what’s changed in the past 5 days that i’ve gone from where i was to where i am.

i do know that despite the amazing amounts of work i have due tomorrow and throughout the week, that i couldn’t have taken any more ‘weekend’.

i just would very much like to run away from most things right now. even the things i love or genuinely enjoy.

anyway. anyway.

i got an a. econ midterm. calchnrs micro theory. 1 question. large bearded man from brazil watching me take test from a foot away while ppl outside window screamed. 1 question. 1 hour. SIGH.

too bad i pre-celebrated last weekend. -celebrated just the fact that it was over, but still. this weekend. i work.

sighsighsigh. i’m gonna go celebrate with an econ problem set…but i’m gonna do it in bed. we’ll see how this one turns out.

and then tom’r i start studying for the final…

i want more than 3 more weeks…..what did i do. why did i let things get really good here right before having to leave for 9 months… 

to work in a hospital. and i will come back alive. in the beginning of june.

-alive or not at all, cause i’m not getting repatriation insurance. - sorry. that was morbid. i will come back i promise. i have things to do and asian countries to explore.

so i didn’t really mention haiti to anyone except mr p and O. just b/c i’m a last-minute kind of person and wasn’t sure i was going or was accepted into the program until about a week ago. less.

i also have a tendency apparently to slip away to foreign countries without notification. there is some anger:

player T: why haven’t you called me back or answered anything for 2 weeks?

player lbg: costa rica. 200$ tickets. had to happen.

player T: (insert anger here).

player T: why can’t i come visit you next week?

player lgb: bangkok. running a marathon. tsunami relief. free. had to be done.

player T: (insert anger here).

it’s conversations like these that have inspired me to notify the proper friends and family members about my 5-month trip to china.  

i have to go be productive. i’m lying. i’m just gonna go home and shower. maybe lay for a bit with some econ.

and tom’r an ‘underground arms market’.

i never said i wasn’t a sketchy individual.

i’m useless. i do nothing. oh wait no - i take care of drunk ppl all freaking night all all freaking night. until 5am. which happened to be 6am on this particular occasion. dst, you tricky bastard. and then i get woken up every hour starting at 8am b/c they want to know where their purse is and where they left their wallet and how they ended up getting home and what happened to their friends and where did they puke and why does is smell and LEAVE ME ALONE.

there’s more. but i just wanted to vent that out of my system.

really though, if i had to choose just one person to get the hell out of my life right now, it wouldn’t be anyone whose puke i cleaned up, hair i held back, purse i brought home, or body i dragged down the hallway and into a bed. etc.

me and T were the only sober ones surrounded by six half-naked, puking, falling, hooded-eyed, passed out suitemates. quite an evening.

and in case anyone’s wondering about how much sleep is in my life right now, we’re going on about 2.5 hours for the weekend. that’s more time than i spent being productive though, so maybe i shouldn’t be whining.

i live in the loudest busiest little room in the world. forever. i just want less loud music and screaming losers outside. and less loud people and screaming losers inside. of this room.

or maybe i need to get out of this room..

i just feel so vulnerable - people know where i live. and they use that to their advantage. 43 f*cking times a day.

leave leave leave leave leave me alone. please.