i can’t make sense right now. and i put no pressure upon myself to do so. like i put no pressure on myself to start the insane project due tom’r at 8am. i plan to get up at 6:30am and put together a masterpiece in 30 minutes or less. too tired to do anything. even work i genuinely enjoy and want to do.
can’t stay awake and as soon as i got back from tests and class and more tests i passed out on my bed. 9pm. now i’m back up and can’t keep my eyes open. i can’t sleep either. and i need to soo badly. mildly painful. and so fucked up. that’s right. i cursed. i’m pissed. i spent 70 freaking dollars on some herbal sleeping remedy today b/c i refuse to rely on ambien or lunesta or some stupid pill to sleep every night, (and instead convince myself nightly that i feel a cold coming on and need 3 shots of nyquil or something equally as healthy..).
anyway so my point is that even my crappy crappy health insurance that covers nothing and is hated by doctors everywhere would’ve helped me out with some prescription. but i turned it down once again and went for some new herbal thing. for 70 freaking dollars. that’s 20% of my monthly budget. and for the sake of a closer-to-normal sleep cycle.
and where am i 3 hours after taking the medication?: i’m blogging. that’s right blogging. and i mean that in a bad way. cause i have about 8,000 things to do and my mind is mush and exhausted mush.
what is it that keeps my reckless mind awake and going…..for 15 years..
sleepless sleepless stephanie. that’s right. i revealed my name. personal information out on the internet for the sake of alliteration.
proof number 83.5 that my priorities have gone retarded.
so in conclusion: we have incoherence, whiney rambling, cursing and political incorrectness, personal information, and i think a new edition to this cheerful little blog: sleeplessness.
“life is short. stay awake for it” the coffee mug says. fuck you coffee mug. even caffeine-induced consciousness is useless. it’s just the difference between whether or not you blink for a few hours. the mind is gone though. without sleep the mind is gone. going without intense amounts of sleep means the trails and the hallucinations..
is not bringing up things that make you look crazy to doctors ignoring your health? everyone hallucinates. no one believes my insomnia tales anyway. they say it’s temporary. to cut back on caffeine after 5pm and to work-out in the mornings. they hand me a pamphlet full of information i’ve had memorized since age 10 and send me on my way. occasionally telling me that it must be the pregnancy making me feel this way. if the tests come back negative then it’s obviously the depression.
and this is why i never go to student health. you could be a virgin boy who has tested positive for the flu and they’ll tell you that you’re pregnant.
when people do believe that i never sleep i refuse prescriptions and diagnosis anyway. everything has a title and a pill. you go into the doctor’s office, you talk for 2 minutes, you get a title for your illness, some medications to put into your body, cycle rinse repeat.
70% of medications don’t work anyway. and i’m a firm believer in the placebo effect. but where is the placebo effect when i need it? i believeeee.
the tamiflu - that was crucial. midol’s great and certain other meds as well. but a very select few and there are always consequences for messing with your body.
when i went in to SHS for the flu they gave me tamiflu, something else, and then a bag full of things to treat my symptoms. fever reducers and decongestants and cold medecines and nighttime medecines and cough-relievers, nasal sprays, and probably some crack.
i asked if maybe all these medications might make me woozy and mess with my body during midterms. the doctor then explained the miracle of it all: the one was a stimulant, so it would even out the drowsiness, which would be multiplied by the other med, but then neutralized by the caffeine in pill#45, etc. etc. i’m pretty sure in the end i would’ve felt just peachy. loopy. especially with the crack.
but no, i did not take any of these medications. they’re in their brown bag next to 2 other brown bags in a drawer. when i open this drawer these brown bags yell at me for going to SHS again. when other ppl open this drawer and investigate they come to the conclusion that i’m a little druggie. but if you ever have any symptoms whatsoever, and are diagnosed surely with pregnancy and sent on your way: don’t waste any time downstairs at the pharmacy - just come on over i’ve got every OTC medication you could need and maybe some antibiotics.
and then there’s always the crack.
