life is good

LEAVE ME ALONE. stop text-messaging me. and when i don’t answer that. at 4am. don’t call. and if i don’t pick up. at 4AM. don’t come over. just stop.

interference. don’t talk to me. you aren’t listening to me. you don’t get to talk to me. you don’t get another chance to be an asshole. all you are is interference. stupid interference. you act like you know exactly what to do at all times. like you know what’s best and what’s going on. and then it turns out you know nothing. you say things, you act like you know what everyone should do, but you know nothing. you’re just interference. and you’re just as lost as everybody else.  

life-suckers. need to get out of my life.

the phone is off, the door is locked, and you are done. GOODNIGHT.

drunken college kids getting themselves into trouble and falling out into the street is all i see. screaming after drinking seven-too-many martinis is all i hear. so loud that my roomate woke up. me - i don’t ever sleep, it’s different. and i’ve done stupid things too, so maybe i don’t get to judge so much. but she’s leading her church at 8am tomorrow morning, and she’s never done anything stupid in her life, so she doesn’t deserve to be woken up at 3am by some drama caused by everyone in this town having too much money to spend on getting wasted and not enough consideration for every non-deaf person within a 10-mile radius.

i’m just rambling. i had an awful night. i really didn’t want to leave my room slash the library. but promises and obligations and in the end life isn’t over. but tonight is. i am. i am over it all. i’m gonna say that, - not with confidence that there aren’t many many more stupid decisions in my future, but with a general certainty that i’m closer to..retirement, youth-stupidity retirement, than every person falling in the streets, puking, screaming, and getting ready to do it all again next weekend.

i’m ready for retirement in general. my friends are mostly in their late 20s. i’m older than them. conceited? foolish? i don’t feel foolish. but then i’m not the one singing and peeing in the middle of the street. 

really though, i’d be good with some tweed and a rocking chair. …maybe more of a hibernation than a retirement. i’m not done here. i have a lot of world-saving to do. big plans. big. and i’m not saying i’ve worked so hard that i deserve to relax for the next 60 years. just that maybe i could sit back with my tweed and my elbow pads until everyone around here grows up. 

maybe not foolish but maybe a little bitter…it’s been a bitter night. a bad night. a leave-me-alone and grow up night. life is good. the blog doesn’t lie. but life in this place right now….it’s a shallower kind of good for me. it’s the kind of good that means a smidge less when always coming from slurred words or unknown intentions. the kind of good that makes me want to scream but instead i say nothing and just sketchily go home early. again. pissed. not pissed but fed up. ready for hibernation. for hermitting and for health.

to end on a positive note, my suitemates are amazing and i love salsa dancing. goodnight.