life is good

Gong xi fa cai !!!
Hong bao na lai !!

Happy Chinese New Year! Who’s excited for Year of the Dog? I know I am.

Stress. But the hibernation has been planned. And there will be no interferences. I’m going to stay with Mr. P. for next weekend. And if there is any discussion of graduation dates or money issues I’m going to stay with Mr. P.’s girlfriend. Because she’s great and will spend more on wine. More than that though, because she won’t bring more stress.

The superbowl, buying wine for my wine tasting for la maison, and watching the intense-looking episode of Grey’s Anatomy are my weekend obligations. I guess catching up on work is also in there somewhere. But it’ll be good either way. Excited all ready. All I have to do, is make it through this week with sanity sleep and good grades. Not necessarily in that order, but those are the goals. Lofty, yet attainable.

Keep getting the overwhelming urge to make a to-do list. All these things around my computer - there’s a term for it in psych, something like deliberate…object placement..anyway so they’re all reminders to keep my scattered brain on task. And I’m being reminded of alllll these things I have to do and haven’t yet. So I’m gonna go get on that. - not actually productivity, but listing what would happen were I to be a productive person.

It’s 65 degrees here. It creeps me out. I’m still freezing 90% of the time and my roomate is amazing and sweats silently while I maintain a room temperature of between 90 and 95 degrees. fahrenheit, i’m not sadistic. just cold.  all the time.

Wan an.  

LEAVE ME ALONE. stop text-messaging me. and when i don’t answer that. at 4am. don’t call. and if i don’t pick up. at 4AM. don’t come over. just stop.

interference. don’t talk to me. you aren’t listening to me. you don’t get to talk to me. you don’t get another chance to be an asshole. all you are is interference. stupid interference. you act like you know exactly what to do at all times. like you know what’s best and what’s going on. and then it turns out you know nothing. you say things, you act like you know what everyone should do, but you know nothing. you’re just interference. and you’re just as lost as everybody else.  

life-suckers. need to get out of my life.

the phone is off, the door is locked, and you are done. GOODNIGHT.

drunken college kids getting themselves into trouble and falling out into the street is all i see. screaming after drinking seven-too-many martinis is all i hear. so loud that my roomate woke up. me - i don’t ever sleep, it’s different. and i’ve done stupid things too, so maybe i don’t get to judge so much. but she’s leading her church at 8am tomorrow morning, and she’s never done anything stupid in her life, so she doesn’t deserve to be woken up at 3am by some drama caused by everyone in this town having too much money to spend on getting wasted and not enough consideration for every non-deaf person within a 10-mile radius.

i’m just rambling. i had an awful night. i really didn’t want to leave my room slash the library. but promises and obligations and in the end life isn’t over. but tonight is. i am. i am over it all. i’m gonna say that, - not with confidence that there aren’t many many more stupid decisions in my future, but with a general certainty that i’m closer to..retirement, youth-stupidity retirement, than every person falling in the streets, puking, screaming, and getting ready to do it all again next weekend.

i’m ready for retirement in general. my friends are mostly in their late 20s. i’m older than them. conceited? foolish? i don’t feel foolish. but then i’m not the one singing and peeing in the middle of the street. 

really though, i’d be good with some tweed and a rocking chair. …maybe more of a hibernation than a retirement. i’m not done here. i have a lot of world-saving to do. big plans. big. and i’m not saying i’ve worked so hard that i deserve to relax for the next 60 years. just that maybe i could sit back with my tweed and my elbow pads until everyone around here grows up. 

maybe not foolish but maybe a little bitter…it’s been a bitter night. a bad night. a leave-me-alone and grow up night. life is good. the blog doesn’t lie. but life in this place right now….it’s a shallower kind of good for me. it’s the kind of good that means a smidge less when always coming from slurred words or unknown intentions. the kind of good that makes me want to scream but instead i say nothing and just sketchily go home early. again. pissed. not pissed but fed up. ready for hibernation. for hermitting and for health.

to end on a positive note, my suitemates are amazing and i love salsa dancing. goodnight.

All I can be is a busy sea

of spinning wheels & hands that feel
for stones to throw
and feet that run

that come back home

   So.

   Between the bags full of UJB’s unwanted dvds, and the dvd player Sis gave me for my birthday, our room has turned into the hide-away for all the people who don’t want to go out on the weekend. It’s great. 

   Back at school now, and it’s busy busy. I’m ready for it though, even mildly excited. Though the credit hours somehow managed to creep back up into the maximum allowable range again.. It’s fine though, cause I wasn’t planning on leaving my room much this semester. See also: the Library. I’ll swim and I’ll grocery shop, maybe even start running again. I’ll do photo when I have ‘the chance’, etc. but ‘going out’ - that won’t be fitting in to my hermit lifestyle. The same hermit lifestyle I had planned for last semester before it was corrupted by friends and social lives and other things that don’t deserve blog-space. but this time, is different. All my friends are studying abroad or have graduated. - not an exaggeration: ALL of them. and, thank goodness no one reads this blog, b/c I can say that I’m…definitely more than 50% happy about that.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great. and after an entire semester friendless i’m sure i’ll get lonely, but…can’t say that i’m not really really looking forward to being left to my hermitting.

   sigh. I wish I had had more time for..everything before school started. My NY friends are still on break for another week and I’ve already turned in my first assignments. But I can’t complain - I had an amazing and relaxing break. I’ve been trying to figure out where to put everything and how all the even mildly-breakable things are going to survive dorm-life, as most non-plastic things don’t last too long around here..

   Anyway, I should go and do some more work. I’m figuring out my summer. my future. and i’m excited. Excited. See Also: mildly scared. - I don’t want to handle things..wrong.ly, I’m not sure how to handle things…right.ly, and i don’t want to come off as an incompetent little girl who can’t handle anything.   

   At the same time I realize that I am in fact incompetent - I’ve taken maybe 3 or 4 courses that hold mild relevance and have no experience whatsoever. But that’s what this time of life is I guess. that’s what all the applications and the internships are - they’re working on making me less and less incompetent. I just want to give it my best shot.

    So that’s the latest stress. I think my plan is to do some more economics homework until I can get a bit of help going over things. So I’m still working on the summer plans..

   So.