i hate drugs. not the life-saving, pain-reducing pharmaceutically-endorsed prescriptions that have done great things for mankind. we did that project in fifth grade: the greatest invention of mankind. i think there was a tie between penicillin and eli whitney’s cotton gin. personally, i have some problems with the cotton gin, but that’s not what this is about.
i don’t hate the people, my problem is just with the doing of the drugs. there’s that joke about how only in America would crack be invented. that only in America would someone snort a line of cocaine and go ’that was okay, but no..that’s just not good enough..i want something that makes my heart explode as soon as i smoke it. sigh, death: the ultimate high..’.
and i’m sorry if this post is offensive. i’m offended. by people never learning. because it’s not just the uneducated and optionless that go with drugs, it’s also a whole lot of bored white kids with too much of their parents’ money. it’s the majority of the hometown and most definitely the entire high school. anyway. whatever. my point is just that it’s a proven fact that drugs won’t leave you better off. for the short-term i’m sure they’re spectacular. better than reality. but in the long-term what you have is reality. i’m done now.
“so-and-so OD’d” was always a cause for concern- but not exactly abnormal with my hs friends. this information would usually be followed up with some scandalous details, the name of the hospital the person was taken to, when they’d be back at school, and how angry their parents were. last year, there was no hospital, no scandalous details - there was the date of the funeral and some long shock-induced pauses on the phone. the ironic part of this, was that after things settled in and we all had time to realize what had just happened - not that i actually do - the same people that had gone away to school ready to start a new life - quitting smoking, no more drugs, ‘living it right’, etc. - all went right back to their cigarettes and their old habits. i understand that it’s a crutch, but i feel like there was a clear enough indication that it was time to find a different crutch.
people always seem to go back though. maybe it’s just whenever absolutely-any-other-state has become preferable to reality that it starts again.. maybe it’s just that those people have experienced something so much better than reality and don’t want to come back. i don’t know and i don’t understand and i don’t know how to say what i’m saying without some melodrama getting in there. i just know that drugs are stupid. that’s my profound conclusion. the end.
This week, like many other weeks of my life, is chaos. bad chaos. it will most likely suck. this is one of those weeks where stress replaces sleep, panicking replaces breathing, and luna bars and multivitamins replace any real form of nourishment. who am i kidding i don’t actually take my multivitamins anymore i just look at them in my drawer. and you can go ahead and replace ‘luna bar’ with ’shit’. today for example, dinner included a stolen bag of peanut butter ritz that someone had left in the classroom, and 2 chocolates that my professor brought to class. you know this is sinking low for me, because aside from not eating things like that, i haven’t eaten anything peanut butter-related in about a decade. after class i bought a salad, but it’s still sitting here next to me cause after a dinner like that i feel ill and not so much like eating anything else..
maybe i will take a vitamin or two..
and i can handle this. cause i can handle most things. but the problem is that i’m crashing. last week’s diet of caffinated beverages and mini-marathons of isolation where the only distractions i leave myself are the cubicle i’m sitting in or the walls of the 8th-floor group-study room that smells like something died in it circa 1940 and just disintegrated into the floor, this has left me somehow so worn out that i’m capable of sleeping 20 hours a day. it’s like hibernation. i haven’t heard my alarm clock for the past 2 days. and 8:59 is not the ideal time to wake up for your nine am. worse though was getting up at 9:38 for my 8am. i have some explaining to do to my professors. oh the drama..-the point, though. is that all i’ve got keeping me conscious this week is adrenaline. and if i’m this exhausted now, i don’t wanna even know what i’ll be like friday afternoon.
school work, thank goodness?, is not the most important thing in my life right now. maybe it should be… i do have to work some things out there though, because going back and forth between taking a normal courseload and trying for that 4.0, and taking an insane amount of courses and trying for that 3-year graduation - is not working for me. a 4.0 gpa, and graduating within 3 years, is not possible for me. i can’t do it. idk if i’m not smart enough or if i’m not trying hard enough or both, but it’s not happening. mr p needs to realize this - actually realize this, and i need to stop getting so stressed out over it and just do what i can.
personally, i’m thinking that the 3-year graduation should be out. you never hear people say things like “college - now that’s the worst four years of your life right there”..”hurry along through that one cause facing the ‘real world’ and having a real job is amazing..” and if i can’t afford to go to school for 4 years and graduate debt-free - that’s okay. most people can’t. this semester was the 3-year plan. this was trying out packing in all the core courses you could fit in a week. this semester, is not the way the next 2 years can go. if it’s 1.5, fine - it still can’t be like this. i’ll go crazy.
melodrama? reminds me of the movie we just discussed in lac092. le fate ignoranti. it was the first movie that didn’t leave you in a mild week-long depression - but no worries, the discussion did. naively thinking that this was just a slightly melodramatic movie about an eccentric and not-at-all straight group of friends, i was excited to leave lac in a decent mood. no questioning the meaning of life or the goodness of humanity - just thinking about a very cliche, stereotypical homosexual’s tableau de famille, and all the happy endings they have. 5 minutes later i was shown that no one will ever know anyone else, that identities change, people die, and love does not exist between people - it’s just an idea or a memory. so if the tone of this ramble is somewhat melodramatic or down - that’s the way anything i say will be tuesdays and thursdays around 10pm. g-ddamn lac092. it’s like shakespearean tragedies - it’s finally possible that there’s a happy ending and that things work out for everyone - but then everyone dies instead. next week if something happy happens i’m walking out right then and waiting in the bathroom until class is over. and this is a four-hour class - so that’s a lot of waiting. but it’ll be worth it when i see everyone else walk out crying and devastated or doubting humanity, and i’ll just be thinking that it’s super how good things happen sometimes.
i’m done. done with that anyway. i could ramble on for a few more days about pretty much anything. cheese, for example. but it’s past my bedtime and i’m hoping - praying, that maybe tomorrow i hear my alarm clock and make it to class on time. maybe even wake up early and read some textbook.. so much to look forward to this week. thing is, it would just be some stress and some hard work and then all would be over at the end of the week - but i’m busting my ass for c’s. if i’m lucky. i’ve never gotten bad grades in my life. i’ve also never ’busted my ass’ for a class ever in my life. that part i don’t mind - that part i’m working on, my problem is that i have nothing to show for it. bof. une mois et elles sont toutes finies.
et: apres le jeu est avant le jeu. la balle est ronde. le match dure quatre-vingt-dix minutes.
